Even In Darkness God Is There

Posted 03/01/2017 by Taline Perez

February 28, 2017 I decided I was not doing much today except the mandatory drop off and pick up of my kids, pharmacy run, and the visits from the nurses, social worker, and bath aide. Of course Trader Joe’s came up, crying sessions with the girls, phone calls to see how my dad is doing, more phone calls from the nurse visits, and no nap. That’s besides the two drop by visits, homework, and constant interaction with a caretaker in my home I can’t do life without, right now. Did I say I was not doing much? What I meant was I was not going to answer calls all day long, run around planning and making arrangements, or try to figure out how to get my dad to do what he needs to do. I watched a movie with Sergio today even though he fell asleep after his medications, even though I sit there checking his face throughout the entire thing to see if I see signs of pain. It’s the best we can do. It’s beautiful. So simple and irreplaceable to sit close next to someone you love and who loves you and let time pass over you. I'm not limiting that experience to only a husband. It's one my favorite things to do and I learned how to do it well from Sergio. To be still and indulge in someone's presence.

I wish he could talk. I wish so badly he could talk, but he can’t. And none of my desires or petitions to God have a changed that. Although, even though his voice is down to a whisper now, he daily tells us girls, “I love you.” Some times the words don’t sound right but he mouths it correctly. He’s been kissing the girls hands over and over and pulling them up into his bed when he has the energy. He kisses me over and over with his eyes shut with an expression like he is in heaven. He holds my hand and doesn’t let go. All of this to say he loves us and he does not want to go, but there’s nothing we can do about it. It just sucks. The simple cherished moments are many and become more and more significant as he is awake less and less. I know it’s part of the process, but it is still hard to watch. The girls are crying more and more and aren’t sure why until we discuss all the changes and the feeling that the possibility of life ending in the body is not so far away. Even in that God is present. It is not so hard to be willing (not wanting), just willing to let go of the person you love when you see the body getting weaker and pain setting in non stop. I asked Sergio if he feels like he is getting weaker and he nodded yes. I asked him if he feels like he is getting weaker, his spirit, who he is. He said, “No.”  “ O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night- but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day darkness and light are the same to you.” Psalm 139:1-12