Grieving

Posted 03/08/2017 by Taline Perez

February 26, 2017 God’s timing is impeccable! Our church, Granada Friends Church, had a seminar on grieving and I was went to the one hour session on “How Kids Grieve.” My kids are textbook. The speaker was from New Hope Grief Support Community in Long Beach. All of the information is from her talk. The founder is the author of the book, A Journey Through Grief with Mrs. Beenes. I thought I’d share of the information that got my attention. This is a completely new terrain for me, grieving children. For Adriné, who is 10, the grief reactions entail phobias (lots and lots of them like starvation, loss of our home, changing schools, abandonment by friends or family, financial poverty, death of herself, me or Nairi, getting cancer, being fatherless...), intense shock and sadness, headaches, stomach aches (grinding and nausea for Adriné too), trying to be strong to “protect” parents,and trying to take adult roles to help grieving adults. A child like this would need encouragement to express her feelings and maybe even intentionally created opportunities to do that. And here’s the God part. Even in this, because of this, since September she has been talking about how there should be groups for kids to go talk together, not knowing there is a thing called support groups. I have looked for a group for kids and they are hard to find and not many around. She has been mentioning students in the past few years of her life who’s lives did change and were grieving because of a parent who died, divorce, or an absent parent. Students she recalls who cried at school for no reason or often. Her mind recorded these events but just now she is understanding and relating to these children because of her own grief. Nairi, age 6, has less of the bulleted characteristics, but there are five more descriptions on the list. Several people, including professionals, told me in the beginning that she seemed fine and was “doing great”. Perhaps we are grieving “well” which I think is possible. Many adults have said she doesn’t understand. We all know the absence of a good father will not be looking “great”, but also doesn’t have to mean havoc and mayhem. Even before his surgery, Sergio had me put them in counseling. We didn’t have this list but we knew better, well he knew right away because he knows that children experience all the same emotions adults do and maybe even more confusion. I can attest through years of stories based on conversations he’s had with kids, regardless of their age, they grieve and have pain. Her age range perceives death as temporary and reversible (which Nairi did and explained rather well actually saying that if the spirit can leave the body then it can come back to it), they need clear explanations of death, illness, etc., express themselves through art and playing, may experience eating and sleeping issues, headaches, stomach aches, regression, “protesting” by acting out, need routine, express emotions in bouts, openly talk to strangers about illness and death, fear or separation anxiety post death, may initially seem unaffected by news of death, and talking about dyeing in order to visit the deceased one. The most beneficial skill for me to develop has been to explain what is happening to the body factually without combining it with Sergio. For example, “ There is cancer in the brain.”, not “Daddy dyeing from cancer.” “The tumor grew and is blocking the flow of brain fluid.” not “ Sergio is not going to make it.” This is strictly my observation. The most controversial issue out there seems to be honesty. Do you tell kids the truth and how much of it? It's pretty simple to me. The people I don't trust are those who do not tell the truth. I want my kids to trust me, so I am honest with them. Pretty simple. We’ve all been sleeping in the same room, which I knew in my gut was okay so by the time the child specialist at City of Hope suggested it, we were already doing that. As my kids have always pointed out, “You and and Baba like to sleep in the same bed snuggled. Why wouldn’t we?” Nairi does express herself in bouts crying and saying how sad she is and then asking in the next sentence if she can have ice cream. Normal. Nairi’s fears have been more geared towards the future. Who is going to do all the things she loved doing with her Baba? Fortunately, God is a father to the fatherless and He will provide. I’ve lost count of how many grandparents we have now, several aunts, and a man of honor who has said he will be there for the girls, and my kids have become friends with all of Sergio’s friends. That is amazing to me. People who knew him will be breathing life into my kids. We are doing the best we can as Sergio’s disease progresses and the physical changes are very apparent, primarily the amount of sleeping and how tired he is. It’s a very hard time for me trying to deal with how Sergio will not be here, protecting our time with him and our lives (being a time keeper), balancing visitors (very difficult at this stage, since we want to spend what time we have with him only, and really need to rely on people who are there for us since energy is so limited). Just for those who may have never thought about it, hosting is exhausting. Talking to people is exhausting. Answering questions is exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. Death (the end of live), funerals, memorials are a funny thing. They are primarily for the the dyeing, us, a friend of mine pointed out this week. The ones that die are living eternally. They are not interested in these things. We need these things to mourn, feel good about ourselves, or even guiltless some times. The dichotomy of having no privacy and feeling grateful for the help still continues, trying to be there for my dad which feels like a another weight on back since it is just humanly impossible to be in two places at the same time, and dealing with disappointment of all kinds is just a “little bit” of what is going on. May God give me the wisdom and strength to weather the storm and do well with what I have been dealt. Thank you so much to Emily and Kristin for setting up meals for my dad. He cried when the first meal was taken. It’s amazing how far hands can reach. He is not doing well, but he is extremely spunky and stubborn, and is not ready to come to terms with what is going on. There is a lot that needs to be taken care of but it may be that I just release all of that to God and see what He does! I’ve almost come to terms with that. I am in no way feeling “lifted out” because I am being carried right now, but I believe that I belong to a God who is capable of and will “...lift me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He (will) set my feet on solid ground and (steady) me as (walk) along.” Psalm 40:2