No Vacancies Available In Brain

Posted 03/14/2017 by Taline Perez

3/10/17 I couldn’t think of a good way to write all the thoughts going on in my head right now, primarily the ones causing me stress, some I’ve already made decisions about and others I’m still chewing on. Almost all of this is new to me. I would have never thought I would be in this predicament. But I have to say, I feel fortunate that I can continue to care for the girls. But all I can do is the best I can do, things Sergio wanted (fortunately because we talked so much about everything), and what I see is best for my family, primarily for the girls. There comes a time I have found where I have to stop thinking about everyone else except Sergio, Adriné, Nairi, and myself. As you can imagine, I am on complete opposite ends daily in my thoughts and all over the board as far as my emotions go. I don’t have the person I have had for close to 12 years to talk things through with, get a different perspective from, come to a compromise about, or even take turns being overridden because we couldn’t agree. So I’ll propose my thoughts in questions and you can see what’s going on in my head. Is Sergio in pain? Does he know how much we love him? What is he feeling? What is he thinking? How often should I check at night? How do I go to sleep? Do we skip school to spend time with Sergio? How much do we skip? At what point is it too much and harmful or not enough? Is Nairi going to be behind? Can I catch up on stuff in the summer? What do I have to get done now before Home Health ends and I have no where to leave my kids? How much planning is too much? How much should I drag my kids around? Should I be taking them to plan funeral details? What am I going to do? Who will help me? When will I coordinate all of this? When will I coordinate who will help me watch the girls? Who will watch the girls? What if Nairi doesn’t want to go? How will I be paying for medical insurance? What if I can’t find a job? What if I find a job I don’t like?
How will I fill Sergio’s shoes with the list of things the girls would like me to do that their Baba did? Why would God allow this? Who should I let into our lives? How will I know who is good and who is not? Who is good for our lives? Could my dad and Sergio die at the same time? What will I do then? How will my kids handle that? What will become of my sisters? How is God going to take care of that? Should I be doing more? How can I be doing more? Why do relatives who’ve intentionally ignored me for years suddenly want to talk to me now? Why do people think this is a good time to change things? How uncomfortable am I willing to feel? Do I need to have visitors? Why? How do I choose who visits with the volume of it? What’s better for Sergio, a close friend or a distant family member? What’s better for the girls? For me? Why do people want to visit now? Who are the visits for? Do I exhaust myself? To what limit? How much grace is good and how much is unhealthy? How can so many people be so helpful? How can I be in so much pain and feel loved at the same time? What can I not do today? When do I shower? How can I slow things down? Who is reading my blogs? Why does Sergio have to die? Will God continue to provide for the girls’ emotional needs? Is there any chance things could change? What do I have to lose by any of these decisions? Does is it even matter? Then I remember a conversation I had with Sergio before his strokes. A conversation he started and told me, “Nothing’s going to change because I die. You do what you think is right. Speak the truth. You have nothing to lose.” I am blessed because I am loved by a really good guy, a nice guy, an uncomplicated guy, wise, adorable, happy, loving, and sweet. A guy who loves God, respects me, and all women for that matter, and has been a hard worker since the day I met him providing for his family. What else is there?