Funeral Day

Posted 03/29/2017 by Taline Perez
March 25, 2017

In this time of loss,  I find myself reminding me of who I am. I am Taline.  I am 46 years old. I am  a mother, a sister, cousin and a friend. I am an immigrant.  I am an American-Armenian. Sometimes I am just Armenian or Armenian-American.  I married a Mexican, but I fell in love with Sergio. I am a teacher, a traveler, and a lover of truth and justice. But above all that, I am a follower of Christ like Sergio was. This is what drives me.
Today I buried my husband. 

Today I am  just a widow and I feel like a widow (not enough to take off my wedding ring though). I feel unprotected, alone (but not lonely yet), and unfortunate. I feel like my life has shattered into pieces I have to try and figure out how to put back together again. I forget often that God is going to do that for me. Even when it is put back together,  those cracks will always be there in the glass. Maybe after a while the cracks won’t matter or have the same significance they have now. Maybe the pieces will some day look like a beautiful mosaic deliberately cut to just fit right instead of uncontrolled broken shards just laying there that will cut your fingers if you try to pick them up. I know healing often does not look like we think it should. God’s plans seem so different than mine right now. I can’t even begin to comprehend it.
There is friction in families that either submerges or is magnified during funerals. Just today, I feel loved and hated,  supported and attacked, respected and disrespected, included and excluded, accepted and rejected, encouraged and criticized, and in the end I am still loved by the Almighty God who doesn’t care a thing about all the trivial human details of today’s events.  God is enjoying the presence of my husband. Because I am loved by God who takes care of me, thinks I am worthy, is good to me, loving, and kind always, because all I care about is whether God thinks I have taken care of my husband well, because I know the truth,  I am free to lay words and actions by others at God’s feet and let him handle it. Because of all this I am not easily moved by empty words, untruthful accusations, and misdirected blame.  Sergio is good and well and those left behind are forced to grapple with their own issues and grieving loss. I came across one of my favorite sayings from my college group days which our teacher had shared once, “No body cares what you have to say, until they know you care.” The relationship behind any words is much more important than the actual words.
That’s how life is though. Messy. Life includes death and lots of imperfect people. It has not been easy.  Three cultures, family sub cultures, emotions, words, hundreds of people,  finances,  Sergio’s wishes, my children’s well being and requests, and my acceptance of my own desires for what I need for closure. There are so many factors that effect people. It has not been unbelievably hard though either, because I know who I am and where my responsibility lies and my identity is not determined by people. My identity is in Christ first. I know my strengths and weaknesses and that I am forgiven and that grounds me better than anything else could.  
I suppose there are multiple ways to approach disunity: surrender and let whoever dominates take over, engage in senseless combat, or remember who is left at the end of the night in my home (Adriné, Nairi and myself).
It was all worth it when we got in the car to be driven away.  Nairi said, “That was the funnest funeral I have ever been to.”  She’s been to a few.  “That’s what your Baba would have wanted.“ said a friend. Nairi is like Sergio. Fun! He was definitely right about that. She feels loved when she spends time with people having fun. Adriné’s main concern shared by me was having privacy while she said goodbye to the most important influential man in her life with a handful of people around.
The funeral service company we used was very flexible and generous with dealing with Nairi.  She wanted to make sure Sergio was really in the casket, that he was really dead, and that they really buried the body (in case there is a chance God decided to resurrect Sergio and just curiosity about the process). He did resurrect Lazarus after all and both girls questioned me when I said, “No, he’s not coming back.  It’s been days and the body is decaying already.” “But Lazarus was dead for three days and he came back to life?” “True,  but if Baba came back now, he would still have cancer and suffer. It’s time for him to go home so he won’t be in pain.” “But God could heal the cancer too if He wanted.” Adriné replied.
We picked his clothes which took a few days. Nairi wanted him to wear pajamas so he could be comfortable. We finally all agreed to dress him up because he loved to dress up and look his best. He loved to go to formal events and much of the fun was getting dressed. He always blasted dance music and got ready and the girls loved it. He was not a casual Californian in that way at all.
Adriné’s sadness is immense.  She doesn’t show it overtly.  She has been coming up to my side, standing really close, rubbing her arm against mine and whispering, “This is so sad. I am so sad.” for several days now.  We actually went to her award ceremony this morning at school briefly at 8:30.  She was insistent we go because she has been working hard in school like Sergio had asked her to in the beginning of his diagnoses. It felt more like she was honoring him and his wishes then receiving the award. He had told them, “ I want you to do well no matter what. I want you to have a good life even if I die.”
I really do believe that this is possible, but it is only possible in community. It is only possible through people and relationships, blood related or not. It is only possible when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to make our requests be known to God and then people and see who and where He sees it best to provide from. It is only possible when you can take “no” or “not available” for an answer from anyone and move on in love. I don’t know where and when or how exactly Sergio and I learned this, but I hope our children are able to live this way.  God’s family is huge!  It is not based on genealogy and is full of adoptions. We are experiencing the vastness of it right now through friendships, our church, relatives, and all of our communities. The human spirit is an extension of God. It is capable of great things that reflect who God is. Heaven is full of people from all kinds of walks of life (literally), backgrounds, ethnicities, and ages. 
Thank you to my friend who had tons of food (from Bruce’s) prepared for us when we returned home,  and to two more friends (from Granada and life) who had flowers all over the house for us and had made everything beautiful. I am forever grateful for all the emotional, physical, and financial support we have. 

“…37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.…” Romans 8: 37-39                                                                    Berean study bible

“...And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.”
Romans 8:37-39                                                                          New Living Translation

“6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6                                                 New King James Version