Sergio

Posted 03/20/2017 by Taline Perez

March 19, 2017

I have two hours today to be alone. It is such an agitating feeling sitting here by myself listening to music and writing, because I am alone, yet I am in desperate need of being alone so I can find my bearings. How does that happen?  How can another person make you not feel lost? We do possess that power. Are we made to be connected that way? Because we become one soul? Because we have the immense ability to carry each other? We can heal each other, stabilize each other, give each other direction, and allow ourselves to anchor in life. And I am not just referring to marriage. I was single for 35 years,  and my family and treasured friends did the same thing. I can feel my body resting and my heart trying to find somewhere to anchor because the person I’ve rested in for 11 years is not here any more. I know this feeling may never go away. It’s not suppose to. But I also know God can heal anything and give me other resting places and people to breathe through life with.
One of Sergio’s best friends who flew out from Korea to see him one last time didn’t make it in time.  Instead he is giving his time to Adriné right now. Nairi, like Sergio, wants to be surrounded by people because she is sad, so she is at church with dear friends and a loving community. 
Sergio passed away Saturday morning at 4:25 a.m. at home in his bed in the middle of our living room where he wanted to be.  We had put his bed smack in the middle of the room because he seemed upset when it was against the wall several days ago. I stayed up most of the night, rested for two hours on the sofa, while listening to his breaths changing from fast to slow and deep to shallow. Even plugging my ears with my fingers amplified the sound of his breathing instead quieting it. He hardly slept in the last few days, trying to whisper intangible words to Adriné, Nairi and myself.  It seemed like he could not see well but locked into my face or sound, not sure which. I wasn’t sure if I would be uncomfortable or settled, but I was good next to my love, rubbing his chest, holding his hand, stroking his head, and finding myself trying to keep connected through some type of physical touch. I told him everything he has meant to me, how proud I am of him, how fortunate I have been because he chose me, singing hymns (because he loved hymns), reading letters we had written to each over the years so he knew that I know what he is trying to say because he has said and written those things freely for years , and telling him he has done well. Time is irrelevant for the influence you can have on people and the love you can give that will last beyond your days. He was still faintly puckering to kiss up to two hours before he died. The last time he couldn’t kiss back was sad, but it was okay.  It was my turn to kiss the man who has lovingly given to us for years. As my friend said, “Oh Taline, he died beautifully. That was so beautiful.” as he took his last few slow, gentle, quiet breathes. Exactly Sergio’s personality. I know those are odd words,  but as a nurse and I myself who have witnessed several transitions,  it is not always like that.  I am so grateful for that for the girls. 
It is really easy to romanticize what I just wrote.  But I am not a romantic. I am a realist who loves words, affection and relationships. I would much rather live out my life than imagine it. In fact my last words with tears were, “You tell God I am mad at Him. I am not happy about this at all. I am not okay with this. Bye Babe. Say hi to my mom and Christina. See you soon.”  

I woke up the girls a few minutes after I said goodbye. They cried and ran to him, Adriné said goodbye with a hug and tears telling him, “I love you Baba.”  Nairi kissed him on the head and said, “Bye Baba. I love you.” She told my friend today that she touched his hand and it was cold, then touched his cheek and it was squishy, so she decided to kiss him on the forehead.  Adriné wanted a picture which I don’t know if she will ever look at or will be deleted soon. His parents came soon after and said their goodbyes as hymns played in the background. 
It’s an interesting transition when your eyes start seeing what is really there.  A body, that is not occupied by the person you love. There is something freeing about that.  How can that energy, “life”, spirit, soul, what ever you want to call it just disappear? It doesn’t.  Energy changes form.  We also know there are many dimensions outside of the ones we can see with our eyes.  We teach this in school from kindergarten on, yet have a hard time accepting it when it applies to real life. Sergio has looked the same to me for seven months and one day.  People would say, “ He’s loosing weight.”, “He looks good.”, or “He doesn’t look well today.” I couldn’t see it and I would say, “No he hasn’t lost weight.” Love is blind through sickness and in health. People are much more than their bodies. We are intricately and beautifully made by our Creator and we can return to our Creator as Sergio did. He is probably in charge of planning parties and get-togethers. We love him and the reality of it has not sunk in yet.  It just all feels unreal and a little numb.