Funeral Day

Posted 03/29/2017 by Taline Perez
March 25, 2017

In this time of loss,  I find myself reminding me of who I am. I am Taline.  I am 46 years old. I am  a mother, a sister, cousin and a friend. I am an immigrant.  I am an American-Armenian. Sometimes I am just Armenian or Armenian-American.  I married a Mexican, but I fell in love with Sergio. I am a teacher, a traveler, and a lover of truth and justice. But above all that, I am a follower of Christ like Sergio was. This is what drives me.
Today I buried my husband. 

Today I am  just a widow and I feel like a widow (not enough to take off my wedding ring though). I feel unprotected, alone (but not lonely yet), and unfortunate. I feel like my life has shattered into pieces I have to try and figure out how to put back together again. I forget often that God is going to do that for me. Even when it is put back together,  those cracks will always be there in the glass. Maybe after a while the cracks won’t matter or have the same significance they have now. Maybe the pieces will some day look like a beautiful mosaic deliberately cut to just fit right instead of uncontrolled broken shards just laying there that will cut your fingers if you try to pick them up. I know healing often does not look like we think it should. God’s plans seem so different than mine right now. I can’t even begin to comprehend it.
There is friction in families that either submerges or is magnified during funerals. Just today, I feel loved and hated,  supported and attacked, respected and disrespected, included and excluded, accepted and rejected, encouraged and criticized, and in the end I am still loved by the Almighty God who doesn’t care a thing about all the trivial human details of today’s events.  God is enjoying the presence of my husband. Because I am loved by God who takes care of me, thinks I am worthy, is good to me, loving, and kind always, because all I care about is whether God thinks I have taken care of my husband well, because I know the truth,  I am free to lay words and actions by others at God’s feet and let him handle it. Because of all this I am not easily moved by empty words, untruthful accusations, and misdirected blame.  Sergio is good and well and those left behind are forced to grapple with their own issues and grieving loss. I came across one of my favorite sayings from my college group days which our teacher had shared once, “No body cares what you have to say, until they know you care.” The relationship behind any words is much more important than the actual words.
That’s how life is though. Messy. Life includes death and lots of imperfect people. It has not been easy.  Three cultures, family sub cultures, emotions, words, hundreds of people,  finances,  Sergio’s wishes, my children’s well being and requests, and my acceptance of my own desires for what I need for closure. There are so many factors that effect people. It has not been unbelievably hard though either, because I know who I am and where my responsibility lies and my identity is not determined by people. My identity is in Christ first. I know my strengths and weaknesses and that I am forgiven and that grounds me better than anything else could.  
I suppose there are multiple ways to approach disunity: surrender and let whoever dominates take over, engage in senseless combat, or remember who is left at the end of the night in my home (Adriné, Nairi and myself).
It was all worth it when we got in the car to be driven away.  Nairi said, “That was the funnest funeral I have ever been to.”  She’s been to a few.  “That’s what your Baba would have wanted.“ said a friend. Nairi is like Sergio. Fun! He was definitely right about that. She feels loved when she spends time with people having fun. Adriné’s main concern shared by me was having privacy while she said goodbye to the most important influential man in her life with a handful of people around.
The funeral service company we used was very flexible and generous with dealing with Nairi.  She wanted to make sure Sergio was really in the casket, that he was really dead, and that they really buried the body (in case there is a chance God decided to resurrect Sergio and just curiosity about the process). He did resurrect Lazarus after all and both girls questioned me when I said, “No, he’s not coming back.  It’s been days and the body is decaying already.” “But Lazarus was dead for three days and he came back to life?” “True,  but if Baba came back now, he would still have cancer and suffer. It’s time for him to go home so he won’t be in pain.” “But God could heal the cancer too if He wanted.” Adriné replied.
We picked his clothes which took a few days. Nairi wanted him to wear pajamas so he could be comfortable. We finally all agreed to dress him up because he loved to dress up and look his best. He loved to go to formal events and much of the fun was getting dressed. He always blasted dance music and got ready and the girls loved it. He was not a casual Californian in that way at all.
Adriné’s sadness is immense.  She doesn’t show it overtly.  She has been coming up to my side, standing really close, rubbing her arm against mine and whispering, “This is so sad. I am so sad.” for several days now.  We actually went to her award ceremony this morning at school briefly at 8:30.  She was insistent we go because she has been working hard in school like Sergio had asked her to in the beginning of his diagnoses. It felt more like she was honoring him and his wishes then receiving the award. He had told them, “ I want you to do well no matter what. I want you to have a good life even if I die.”
I really do believe that this is possible, but it is only possible in community. It is only possible through people and relationships, blood related or not. It is only possible when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to make our requests be known to God and then people and see who and where He sees it best to provide from. It is only possible when you can take “no” or “not available” for an answer from anyone and move on in love. I don’t know where and when or how exactly Sergio and I learned this, but I hope our children are able to live this way.  God’s family is huge!  It is not based on genealogy and is full of adoptions. We are experiencing the vastness of it right now through friendships, our church, relatives, and all of our communities. The human spirit is an extension of God. It is capable of great things that reflect who God is. Heaven is full of people from all kinds of walks of life (literally), backgrounds, ethnicities, and ages. 
Thank you to my friend who had tons of food (from Bruce’s) prepared for us when we returned home,  and to two more friends (from Granada and life) who had flowers all over the house for us and had made everything beautiful. I am forever grateful for all the emotional, physical, and financial support we have. 

“…37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.…” Romans 8: 37-39                                                                    Berean study bible

“...And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.”
Romans 8:37-39                                                                          New Living Translation

“6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6                                                 New King James Version

Memories to Share

Dear Friends and Family of Sergio:

Yesterday Sergio's earthly shell was laid to rest. I was a server at the family reception and was jolted when I met one of his close friends, Ivan. He kind of resembled Serg, but more than appearance I realized his spirit was similar to Sergio's. He was quiet-ish upon meeting him but kind and engaging. I had to fight to keep my composure. Then I realized all that was good in Sergio, all that is good in Ivan, all that is good in Taline and the girls, all that is good in any of us is the fruit of God's spirit, and experiencing it in one another is wonderful joy. Can you imagine heaven?

There are many of you who experienced some of that sweet fruit in an encounter with Sergio. I am putting together some memories for the memorial and would like to include incidents which cameo his goodness. If you had an experience that greatly affected you,  would be willing to write it here in the comments?
I will go through and use the ones I can for the April 23 memorial, but what I don't use at least will be here for his family to remember him by.
His service is scheduled for Sunday April 23, at 2:30 in the afternoon. Granada Heights Friends Church. 11818 La Mirada Blvd.

In lieu of flowers, a fund has been established for Adrine and Nairi called Girls' Life Events which will cover their special activites like swimming lessons, piano or gymnastics (or who knows what things will interest them in the future) lessons, extra classes at school, field trips, camps etc. Donations to this fund can be made to Taline directly or Taline c/o Parkville Insurance Svcs. PO Box 1275, Whittier CA, 90609-1275, or through Barbara Haney.

Thanks,

Mina Taylor

Sergio

Posted 03/20/2017 by Taline Perez

March 19, 2017

I have two hours today to be alone. It is such an agitating feeling sitting here by myself listening to music and writing, because I am alone, yet I am in desperate need of being alone so I can find my bearings. How does that happen?  How can another person make you not feel lost? We do possess that power. Are we made to be connected that way? Because we become one soul? Because we have the immense ability to carry each other? We can heal each other, stabilize each other, give each other direction, and allow ourselves to anchor in life. And I am not just referring to marriage. I was single for 35 years,  and my family and treasured friends did the same thing. I can feel my body resting and my heart trying to find somewhere to anchor because the person I’ve rested in for 11 years is not here any more. I know this feeling may never go away. It’s not suppose to. But I also know God can heal anything and give me other resting places and people to breathe through life with.
One of Sergio’s best friends who flew out from Korea to see him one last time didn’t make it in time.  Instead he is giving his time to Adriné right now. Nairi, like Sergio, wants to be surrounded by people because she is sad, so she is at church with dear friends and a loving community. 
Sergio passed away Saturday morning at 4:25 a.m. at home in his bed in the middle of our living room where he wanted to be.  We had put his bed smack in the middle of the room because he seemed upset when it was against the wall several days ago. I stayed up most of the night, rested for two hours on the sofa, while listening to his breaths changing from fast to slow and deep to shallow. Even plugging my ears with my fingers amplified the sound of his breathing instead quieting it. He hardly slept in the last few days, trying to whisper intangible words to Adriné, Nairi and myself.  It seemed like he could not see well but locked into my face or sound, not sure which. I wasn’t sure if I would be uncomfortable or settled, but I was good next to my love, rubbing his chest, holding his hand, stroking his head, and finding myself trying to keep connected through some type of physical touch. I told him everything he has meant to me, how proud I am of him, how fortunate I have been because he chose me, singing hymns (because he loved hymns), reading letters we had written to each over the years so he knew that I know what he is trying to say because he has said and written those things freely for years , and telling him he has done well. Time is irrelevant for the influence you can have on people and the love you can give that will last beyond your days. He was still faintly puckering to kiss up to two hours before he died. The last time he couldn’t kiss back was sad, but it was okay.  It was my turn to kiss the man who has lovingly given to us for years. As my friend said, “Oh Taline, he died beautifully. That was so beautiful.” as he took his last few slow, gentle, quiet breathes. Exactly Sergio’s personality. I know those are odd words,  but as a nurse and I myself who have witnessed several transitions,  it is not always like that.  I am so grateful for that for the girls. 
It is really easy to romanticize what I just wrote.  But I am not a romantic. I am a realist who loves words, affection and relationships. I would much rather live out my life than imagine it. In fact my last words with tears were, “You tell God I am mad at Him. I am not happy about this at all. I am not okay with this. Bye Babe. Say hi to my mom and Christina. See you soon.”  

I woke up the girls a few minutes after I said goodbye. They cried and ran to him, Adriné said goodbye with a hug and tears telling him, “I love you Baba.”  Nairi kissed him on the head and said, “Bye Baba. I love you.” She told my friend today that she touched his hand and it was cold, then touched his cheek and it was squishy, so she decided to kiss him on the forehead.  Adriné wanted a picture which I don’t know if she will ever look at or will be deleted soon. His parents came soon after and said their goodbyes as hymns played in the background. 
It’s an interesting transition when your eyes start seeing what is really there.  A body, that is not occupied by the person you love. There is something freeing about that.  How can that energy, “life”, spirit, soul, what ever you want to call it just disappear? It doesn’t.  Energy changes form.  We also know there are many dimensions outside of the ones we can see with our eyes.  We teach this in school from kindergarten on, yet have a hard time accepting it when it applies to real life. Sergio has looked the same to me for seven months and one day.  People would say, “ He’s loosing weight.”, “He looks good.”, or “He doesn’t look well today.” I couldn’t see it and I would say, “No he hasn’t lost weight.” Love is blind through sickness and in health. People are much more than their bodies. We are intricately and beautifully made by our Creator and we can return to our Creator as Sergio did. He is probably in charge of planning parties and get-togethers. We love him and the reality of it has not sunk in yet.  It just all feels unreal and a little numb.

Update March 16 from Taline:

Sorry we have not been able to accept visitors. We had a much needed and really blessed time with Sergio for the last week. The girls soaked it all in, and I got my day times with my love. Nairi even skipped school a few times to hang out in bed with her daddy. We need the alone time. Thanks for your understanding.
 Again God's timing is good. Sergio started to not be able to swallow Saturday night. And he had a seizure tonight. Keep us in your prayers! We love you all and feel so blessed for all the people who love us, are there for us, check up on us, call me to check on me, and want to visit. However, we are not accepting visitors at this time. It is very overwhelming and exhausting and what energy we have left goes to and needs to go to Sergio.

 Luv, Taline

No Vacancies Available In Brain

Posted 03/14/2017 by Taline Perez

3/10/17 I couldn’t think of a good way to write all the thoughts going on in my head right now, primarily the ones causing me stress, some I’ve already made decisions about and others I’m still chewing on. Almost all of this is new to me. I would have never thought I would be in this predicament. But I have to say, I feel fortunate that I can continue to care for the girls. But all I can do is the best I can do, things Sergio wanted (fortunately because we talked so much about everything), and what I see is best for my family, primarily for the girls. There comes a time I have found where I have to stop thinking about everyone else except Sergio, Adriné, Nairi, and myself. As you can imagine, I am on complete opposite ends daily in my thoughts and all over the board as far as my emotions go. I don’t have the person I have had for close to 12 years to talk things through with, get a different perspective from, come to a compromise about, or even take turns being overridden because we couldn’t agree. So I’ll propose my thoughts in questions and you can see what’s going on in my head. Is Sergio in pain? Does he know how much we love him? What is he feeling? What is he thinking? How often should I check at night? How do I go to sleep? Do we skip school to spend time with Sergio? How much do we skip? At what point is it too much and harmful or not enough? Is Nairi going to be behind? Can I catch up on stuff in the summer? What do I have to get done now before Home Health ends and I have no where to leave my kids? How much planning is too much? How much should I drag my kids around? Should I be taking them to plan funeral details? What am I going to do? Who will help me? When will I coordinate all of this? When will I coordinate who will help me watch the girls? Who will watch the girls? What if Nairi doesn’t want to go? How will I be paying for medical insurance? What if I can’t find a job? What if I find a job I don’t like?
How will I fill Sergio’s shoes with the list of things the girls would like me to do that their Baba did? Why would God allow this? Who should I let into our lives? How will I know who is good and who is not? Who is good for our lives? Could my dad and Sergio die at the same time? What will I do then? How will my kids handle that? What will become of my sisters? How is God going to take care of that? Should I be doing more? How can I be doing more? Why do relatives who’ve intentionally ignored me for years suddenly want to talk to me now? Why do people think this is a good time to change things? How uncomfortable am I willing to feel? Do I need to have visitors? Why? How do I choose who visits with the volume of it? What’s better for Sergio, a close friend or a distant family member? What’s better for the girls? For me? Why do people want to visit now? Who are the visits for? Do I exhaust myself? To what limit? How much grace is good and how much is unhealthy? How can so many people be so helpful? How can I be in so much pain and feel loved at the same time? What can I not do today? When do I shower? How can I slow things down? Who is reading my blogs? Why does Sergio have to die? Will God continue to provide for the girls’ emotional needs? Is there any chance things could change? What do I have to lose by any of these decisions? Does is it even matter? Then I remember a conversation I had with Sergio before his strokes. A conversation he started and told me, “Nothing’s going to change because I die. You do what you think is right. Speak the truth. You have nothing to lose.” I am blessed because I am loved by a really good guy, a nice guy, an uncomplicated guy, wise, adorable, happy, loving, and sweet. A guy who loves God, respects me, and all women for that matter, and has been a hard worker since the day I met him providing for his family. What else is there?

Contact Taline If You Want to Visit

Posted 03/07/2017 by Taline Perez

Dear Friends and Family, Sergio has been on hospice for two weeks. He is awake only about an hour a day now and that time is precious to Adriné, Nairi and myself. We would like to spend it with him. We are accepting visitors on a limited basis and ONLY with prior arrangements from me, Taline. Please do not drop by without arrangements or a response from Taline to your request. There is only so much we can do in a day.

Grieving

Posted 03/08/2017 by Taline Perez

February 26, 2017 God’s timing is impeccable! Our church, Granada Friends Church, had a seminar on grieving and I was went to the one hour session on “How Kids Grieve.” My kids are textbook. The speaker was from New Hope Grief Support Community in Long Beach. All of the information is from her talk. The founder is the author of the book, A Journey Through Grief with Mrs. Beenes. I thought I’d share of the information that got my attention. This is a completely new terrain for me, grieving children. For Adriné, who is 10, the grief reactions entail phobias (lots and lots of them like starvation, loss of our home, changing schools, abandonment by friends or family, financial poverty, death of herself, me or Nairi, getting cancer, being fatherless...), intense shock and sadness, headaches, stomach aches (grinding and nausea for Adriné too), trying to be strong to “protect” parents,and trying to take adult roles to help grieving adults. A child like this would need encouragement to express her feelings and maybe even intentionally created opportunities to do that. And here’s the God part. Even in this, because of this, since September she has been talking about how there should be groups for kids to go talk together, not knowing there is a thing called support groups. I have looked for a group for kids and they are hard to find and not many around. She has been mentioning students in the past few years of her life who’s lives did change and were grieving because of a parent who died, divorce, or an absent parent. Students she recalls who cried at school for no reason or often. Her mind recorded these events but just now she is understanding and relating to these children because of her own grief. Nairi, age 6, has less of the bulleted characteristics, but there are five more descriptions on the list. Several people, including professionals, told me in the beginning that she seemed fine and was “doing great”. Perhaps we are grieving “well” which I think is possible. Many adults have said she doesn’t understand. We all know the absence of a good father will not be looking “great”, but also doesn’t have to mean havoc and mayhem. Even before his surgery, Sergio had me put them in counseling. We didn’t have this list but we knew better, well he knew right away because he knows that children experience all the same emotions adults do and maybe even more confusion. I can attest through years of stories based on conversations he’s had with kids, regardless of their age, they grieve and have pain. Her age range perceives death as temporary and reversible (which Nairi did and explained rather well actually saying that if the spirit can leave the body then it can come back to it), they need clear explanations of death, illness, etc., express themselves through art and playing, may experience eating and sleeping issues, headaches, stomach aches, regression, “protesting” by acting out, need routine, express emotions in bouts, openly talk to strangers about illness and death, fear or separation anxiety post death, may initially seem unaffected by news of death, and talking about dyeing in order to visit the deceased one. The most beneficial skill for me to develop has been to explain what is happening to the body factually without combining it with Sergio. For example, “ There is cancer in the brain.”, not “Daddy dyeing from cancer.” “The tumor grew and is blocking the flow of brain fluid.” not “ Sergio is not going to make it.” This is strictly my observation. The most controversial issue out there seems to be honesty. Do you tell kids the truth and how much of it? It's pretty simple to me. The people I don't trust are those who do not tell the truth. I want my kids to trust me, so I am honest with them. Pretty simple. We’ve all been sleeping in the same room, which I knew in my gut was okay so by the time the child specialist at City of Hope suggested it, we were already doing that. As my kids have always pointed out, “You and and Baba like to sleep in the same bed snuggled. Why wouldn’t we?” Nairi does express herself in bouts crying and saying how sad she is and then asking in the next sentence if she can have ice cream. Normal. Nairi’s fears have been more geared towards the future. Who is going to do all the things she loved doing with her Baba? Fortunately, God is a father to the fatherless and He will provide. I’ve lost count of how many grandparents we have now, several aunts, and a man of honor who has said he will be there for the girls, and my kids have become friends with all of Sergio’s friends. That is amazing to me. People who knew him will be breathing life into my kids. We are doing the best we can as Sergio’s disease progresses and the physical changes are very apparent, primarily the amount of sleeping and how tired he is. It’s a very hard time for me trying to deal with how Sergio will not be here, protecting our time with him and our lives (being a time keeper), balancing visitors (very difficult at this stage, since we want to spend what time we have with him only, and really need to rely on people who are there for us since energy is so limited). Just for those who may have never thought about it, hosting is exhausting. Talking to people is exhausting. Answering questions is exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. Death (the end of live), funerals, memorials are a funny thing. They are primarily for the the dyeing, us, a friend of mine pointed out this week. The ones that die are living eternally. They are not interested in these things. We need these things to mourn, feel good about ourselves, or even guiltless some times. The dichotomy of having no privacy and feeling grateful for the help still continues, trying to be there for my dad which feels like a another weight on back since it is just humanly impossible to be in two places at the same time, and dealing with disappointment of all kinds is just a “little bit” of what is going on. May God give me the wisdom and strength to weather the storm and do well with what I have been dealt. Thank you so much to Emily and Kristin for setting up meals for my dad. He cried when the first meal was taken. It’s amazing how far hands can reach. He is not doing well, but he is extremely spunky and stubborn, and is not ready to come to terms with what is going on. There is a lot that needs to be taken care of but it may be that I just release all of that to God and see what He does! I’ve almost come to terms with that. I am in no way feeling “lifted out” because I am being carried right now, but I believe that I belong to a God who is capable of and will “...lift me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He (will) set my feet on solid ground and (steady) me as (walk) along.” Psalm 40:2