Midnight Prayer

Posted 01/10/2017 by Taline Perez

If you are up like we are, please pray for Sergio. Today was his last day of radiation, first day of school for the girls and he is restless and sleepless. He says, via deduction through questions, he has a lot on his mind and is a "little" worried, Sergio style. I'm guessing he is grieving the loss of things like we are. Lately, it's mostly things that use to be. I can't imagine everything going through his mind that he can talk to no one about, except God. It would be great to talk to a counselor, his friends, anyone. It breaks my heart and has been about the only thing that causes an anger to stir up in me. It's odd considering how many other serious and life threatening things are going on, but it angers me, for him, that someone like him who is so social, loves to talk, and never runs out of words, can not talk. It's a complicated process to digest everything that's gone on , has changed, and will never be the same. And it feels like you are always a few steps behind what is actually happening because the intensity of it is so strong and moving so fast and changing daily. I have no idea what people mean when they say, " Enjoy the moments. Enjoy your time. Enjoy the days..." What does that mean? Maybe they mean, "Breath once in a while." or they don't know what they are saying, because it is nothing like that. It's like being in one of Dali's surreal paintings. Everything's off, resembling life just slightly enough to make sure you feel and know it's real, but not the real that brought you comfort before. This is just a constant ache and unrest and it is not going to go away. We are not in "enjoying mode" nor can anyone "make" us cry by saying the wrong thing as so many people have apologized for doing. That assumes that crying is bad, and it is not. That feeling pain is bad, and it is not. That being hurt is bad, and it is not. We are in pain, grieving, feeling loss, and making the best of it, not for ourselves, but for each other in an attempt to distract the other person from their pain for a little bit and help each other keep perspective that "This too shall pass." And that is all okay. Munch's painting, "The Scream" might be pretty close to saying without words the feelings going on right now. We love you and are so thankful that we are in community with you going through life. Don't let the tears deter your affection or mislead you to think that something is wrong, nothing is right already.