Life Update

Posted 06/10/2017 by Taline Perez

April 25 - May 27 “ Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. “ Isaiah 41:10 It’s been difficult to sit and write because my thoughts are choppy and scattered. Knowing I am not exactly myself right now, my confidence in self editing is not as strong as usual. My daily goal is to do well in that day. I have no other goals right now, but lots to think about and tons of paperwork to do again. But this time it’s not just for my family. I have my dad’s dealings to take care of as well. So, my writing is all over the place, loosely stitched together, written over about a month’s time. Thank you to all of you who are continuing to ask, pray, support, and encourage us! The lack of support from both sides of the family and drama doesn’t help. I’m pretty sure it’s not uncommon nor is it surprising for me considering how the relationships have always been in the past. Sergio also spoke to me a lot about the future relationally between his biopsy and strokes and so far everything he said has been accurate. That astonishes me! I am so thankful for that gift and all the “freedom of permission” he gave me. I will miss his insight on people tremendously. I try my best to protect my children from the drama, dysfunction, however you want to phrase it, and I’d rather be hit with the brunt of it than them, but I can’t protect them from all of it unfortunately. They still feel the effects of peoples’ choices. April 23, 2017 Sergio’s memorial was yesterday. It was a beautiful tribute for him. The girls loved it. Adriné said she thought she would be feeling very sad but she felt happy that day. I was so encouraged by all the people who came (nearly 500 I suppose) and everyone who talked to me. A counselor from Camp hammer drove out from Arizona and shared stories about Sergio. He told me how Sergio would go visit a kid with health problems on his free night out. Something he wasn’t expecting when he finally got a chance to hang out with the “cool” counselor. That’s my honey. Javier C. came and and it was great to meet the man behind the words in the memorial pamphlet. So many parents, teachers, friends and a few family members! It was sad to have to explain to my children why only a few members from his dad’s side were there, that this is how his family wanted it, separate memorials. I am so grateful for all the help from our church and quite impressed with what a little powerhouse they are. None of it would have happened without all the help, support and encouragement from so many people in our lives. We were so blessed. It was a good closure for the death of Sergio’s body. I don’t mean that in a minimizing way because I loved that body and the person in it!!!! It was a great surge of uplifting energy that would carry us for the painful weeks to come. Sadness, depression, exhaustion, weariness, time to think and feel it all have all set in since then as our lives are NOT going back to anything we knew and loved. On top of all that, we are trying to interpret everything that has happened with Sergio’s death and then his family and now my family as well and the stress my dad’s death has caused. I’m not big on trying to force things to happen relationally or otherwise. My faith is greater than that. I trust God knows what he is doing. God gives and He takes away. I am not that insistent about who should and shouldn’t be in my life. If people don’t want to be, that’s fine. If people do, I am very grateful for it. He puts people in our lives and he takes them out. So be it. Whatever needs to happen, needs to happen. Wherever we are is where we need to be. Let the cards fall where they must. We are sad, lost, without structure, without routine, re-evaluating much about life and waiting and watching to see the true colors of people around us. For the girls it’s been mostly trying to sort out and understand what “family” really means as well as trying to make sense of people who say they are “Christians” (and unfortunately in our families the louder they are, the worst they behave) but do not act like it (on both sides), and people who have been wonderful to us who are not Christians. I’m just being real. This is real life. It’s not a dilemma for me, but it’s an eye opener for the girls, mostly Adriné, who’s learning to discern people. It’s a complicated matter and a great life lesson to learn early. In the end it will make her stronger and know who she is and why as well as learning who to trust and not trust. Most people have already shown who they really are during these past really difficult months. It’s more of a matter of us being willing to accept what we see and what God graciously shows us for our own good, maybe temporarily or maybe permanently. I do have to say, there have been many many more people fortunately who live out their lives according to their beliefs. This is such a huge relief for me because I know an experience like that can affect someone deeply and I don’t want my children to confuse people with God. Nairi puts Sergio’s clothes on the chair sometimes where he used to sit. It’s comforting to her. Today she set a place for him with her pretend toy food in it and said she knows he’s not there, she’s just imagining he is. Often she just pretends Sergio is still alive, completely aware she is pretending. She has been encouraging Adriné to try it. She’s been really stressed out about Father’s Day coming up, crying all last week at pick up from school saying she doesn’t know why she has to learn songs and make stuff for a dad when she doesn’t have one. So we made a plan for Father’s Day, called up our friend who first called us to say he would be more than happy to be there for the girls, lovingly accepted the invite for school and we’re good to go. Of course we are also celebrating Father’s Day for Sergio. Adriné is my reader and has been reading books about kids with a loss of a parent. She actually said today that she prefers to grieve privately but is liking hugs more and more. I was so happy she knew that about herself and could verbalize it. Both girls are completely testing all the rules we had established in our home. They think the rules have changed and they have not! Do they not know me? I’m sure it’s a phase, but uh!!!! On top of everything else and exhaustion...but they are tired too and going through lots of firsts without Sergio and me trying to fill in but not like he use to do, of course. Lots of disappointment for them as they tell me weekly at least but very carefully, “ Thanks mama, no offense but, I wish Baba was here. He did it ( different, this way, that way, etc.).” There’s lots of things daddy’s do best I will never be able to fill. It doesn’t bother me. Lots of crying and sudden outbursts of tears daily for all of us. Since Sergio’s memorial, we have been able to attend two occasions at Laurel where Sergio was honored. Sergio was given the Golden Oaks Award which I accepted on his behalf. It’s an honorary award given sparingly. He would have been proud. I only wish he had received it when he was alive. The second event was a dedication of a “Buddy Bench” in his honor at Laurel Elementary school. So perfect!! It is a metal blue bench which has “Buddy Bench- In loving memory of Mr. Perez” engraved in it. I loved the idea!!! If you need a buddy, are waiting for your buddy, you sit on it. I know often people plant trees but Sergio did not enjoy yard work at all, and he was a good friend to many so I couldn’t think of anything better. The girls and I were thrilled. Who’s idea was it? Thank you! I had to go through Sergio’s classroom and it was so hard to do. It started an avalanche of emotions for me that hasn’t stopped. I can’t even open his side of the closet without falling apart and so I don’t. The end of so many things for me. So many experiences and memories we will not be allowed to have any more. I found so many notes, photographs, and artifacts I had made for him while we dated and throughout our our marriage along with items the girls had made for him. He’d always been a family man, but it was comforting to see that he surrounded his day and space with his family this way. I would love to stop there but my life is just not that simple right now, as I’m sure many lives are not. As the days have passed and gossip about who didn’t come and why...so much nonsense and pettiness it’s unbelievable. I close my ears to it and have no desire or energy to deal with any of it or anyone like that. The only comforting part is that God knows how families can be and he is constantly filling in those gaps for us. People think love is complicated. It’s not that complicated because love looks like love in actions and words, nothing else. The words and actions match. The lack of love shows decisions based on basic selfishness and entitlement. If someone’s heart can not be softened in a situation at a time like this, what situation would cause that? Probably nothing. I have been astonished at the inability people have to think beyond themselves, even just a little. Even when Sergio was alive but ill, it was not very difficult to see who entered our lives to give, be there, support and who came for themselves. And it really is that simple...actions speak louder than words when they don’t match. Tonight I am heart broken. We are miserable without Sergio. It's not always like that. Some people are relieved when an abusive, alcoholic or drug abuser spouse dies. Some people feel free when their spouse who is a tyrant and their oppressive relationship ends. Some people might even be a little happy when their obligation to an overly dependent, or lazy spouse is over. There’s lots of other scenarios. But I am heartbroken because Sergio was a good guy. We miss him every day. His absence is profound and his involvement and help in our lives is felt often through out each day. It almost feels like God is taunting me, even though I know He is not. But it feels like it. I think most of us might feel like that at some point in our lives for something we don't like or wouldn't have done like God did. Take out the nice guy and leave us with what exactly? I am angry and hurt, even though I know this is life. This is how it goes. I will even die some day. There are no guarantees for anything. I feel the need to build a high wall a brick at a time right now. The interior is reserved only for people who bring goodness into our lives as we mourn, try to heal and get ourselves together so we can endure the rest of our lives well. “ It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die, and it is a good thing to think about it while there is still time. Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. Yes, a wise man thinks much of death, while the fool thinks only of having a good time now.” Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” Ecclesiastes 7:4 “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Sergio's Life Story Read At His Memorial

by Taline Perez

Thank you to all of you attended Sergio's memorial and to those of you who weren't able to come but called to give your condolences or told us in person how much you love us. Here is what I read about his life. You can also see a video that was shown at the link at the end.

Sergio’s Life Story

On September 23, 1966, in a small town in Villa Guerero, Mexico, Sergio was born at home to Jose and Victorina Perez . In 1966 the Acadmy Award winner was “The sound of Music.” Why do I say that? Sergio loved trivial information and he would have told you that, and some how could memorize all the Academy Award winners but not remember where he put his keys. His two brothers, Mike and Carlos, welcomed him. What a great day! His parents, Jose and Victorina, continued to fill their home with yet another baby boy soon after, Mario. Three years later the family decided to leave their home and come to the United States in 1970 for the betterment of their family and children’s future after Jose spent a few years working in the United States and going back and forth. Along came two more siblings, Christina and Leticia. While Sergio’s father worked hard with his hands to build the home he and his wife still live in today in Rosemead, Sergio spent a lot of his time with his sister, Christina, allowing their imaginations run wild playing with their invisible friends like Witchy Poo and Frankie and putting on shows. He was often left to supervise his sister because he was the compliant kid and got along well with everyone, some times being left out of the fun stuff. By the time he was in middle school, Sergio discovered he would rather sing and dance than play sports. No surprise when he and Christina performed a dance number in the school Talent Show and he joined choir. He was quite a good dancer actually. So much so, he later taught our friend Victor how to dance Armenian for his wedding when he married his Armenian wife. Then, for our 10 year anniversary we went to Laguna and came across a Caribbean band playing music outside, and guess who knew how to dance Caribbean? Sergio. The only Mexican guy on the dance floor, because he had befriended a group of Jamaicans on a boat once who invited him to their party. At the end of middle school, his sister Christina was diagnosed with Leukemia and Sergio’s attachment to his sister grew and his search for God was awakened as his parents began to know and trust Christ like never before, through the people who surrounded them through this hard time. He made a vow to Jesus at this time that transformed the way he lived out his life. In ninth grade he was approached by a college recruiter at a college fair on a field trip. She asked him where he was going to college. “I’m not.” he responded. “Why not?” “I can’t. My grades aren’t good enough.” What are they? “ “B’s and C’s” “You can go to college.” “Oh ya? okay.” Well, that’s pretty much all it took to convince him. He went right to work to get into college and had straight A’s by his senior year. He became the first in his family to be a college graduate from Biola in 1990. He loved the dorm life! What a struggle that was. Study or be with friends....hmmm,? What could be better than living with friends all the time? Socialization built in. But just like that 5 minute conversation with a stranger who encouraged him, he realized how much of an influence he could have on people. During college he got word of a camp in Santa Cruz, Camp Hammer, and began to work there during his summers. He fit right in after having been an Awana leader and volunteering in church to work with youth for years. He became a legend up there. His camp name was Hula and it stuck to him for life like the many life long friendships he built. I didn’t realize the impact he had had on people and they had had on him until he was invited to speak there after we were married. Three campers had asked him that week if he was interested in adopting them. It was heart wrenching for Sergio. He would’ve adopted hundreds of kids if he could have. Greg, a camper at the time, who became one of his good friends recently gave me a treasure pile of letters from Sergio to him during these years. Long letters (because Sergio was a talker) filled with the many stories the girls and I have been hearing about his caring encouraging personality and availability and love for others. Sergio’s motto for the way he lived life was setting its coarse, “People First.” He truly was not connected to or got any sense of security from anything in life except people, which is not so hard to do for such an extrovert, but it went beyond that. People first with purposeful intention. He loved people! He could be friends with just about anyone, any age, any back ground, and any culture and easily struck up conversations. And soon enough he had won him over. He could look beyond petty obstacles which for some us would be the end . He was planning to move to Santa Cruz, but God had other plans. His love of travel also began during this time, being invited to friend’s homes and happily and comfortably blending in. After college he started his new job at Laurel Elementary in 1990. The perfect fit for someone who loved kids, was fun, and who’s goal in life was to do something that mattered and made a difference. Sergio didn’t know at the time that his first job out of college would turn into 27 years of teaching elementary students at the same school except for two years in Africa and one year at Ceres after he returned back to the U.S. Pretty stable guy huh? He’d tried school council and grade level representative and got the PTA Service Award in 1992 but his favorite was the end of the year Filed Day for the entire school. He loved the Olympics and that so many students could be recognized. In fact he wasn’t a big believer in awards because it’s so limiting in what people choose to recognize. He believed being awarded for your God given gifts wasn’t anything you had done. Now working hard, developing your character, making sacrifices, good decisions...those things maybe. In fact he made the girls repeatedly enter contests to learn how to loose well. I have to say, that we had different teaching styles. My goal as an English teacher was primarily to teach English to high school students and fight for the underdog. His goal, was to get to know you and make sure you knew you were known and were important so you were able to learn and do your best. He’d often comment, “If a kid knows you love them, it’s pretty easy to do well and behave.“ He knew how to nurture. Sergio continued teaching while working on his degree, getting his Masters degree in Educational Administration in 1996, but struggled with using it up until two years ago. Why? Because that would mean more paperwork and less relationships with students. He just couldn’t do it. Thank goodness! I don’t think he would have been happy. He lived in The Ivory Coast for two years teaching middle school at The International Christian Academy, a boarding school from 1997-2000 and he absolutely loved it. His second year evaluation read, “Sergio is an excellent teacher. He is enthusiastic and creative. What stood out most to me however, was his love for the students and their love and respect for him. He would invariably be found with a crowd of students around him. He also had the same rapport with his colleagues and with the parents of the students in his classes.” He was the dorm parent of course and taught social studies and bible. He was known for being the only one who left campus to roam around town and get to know the people and try new foods! Insects, shawarma, African food, Lebanese food, anything really. He would try anything to eat. Like so many of you who have swooped us up into your arms, he did the same for those students who turned into extended family and friends for him. He developed such good friends in Africa. So much so, that he refinanced his house to add a room once but ended up going to Holland to see the Goldbergs instead. Then invited Yohan to come here from Korea and back and forth. He was afraid to tell me this when we met because he was still paying off his loan. But lucky for him, I had spent a small fortune myself on travel so I understood exactly what he was talking about. His generosity and hospitality never ceased. He would share anything, his money, his time, his talents, his food, and his heart. When we first moved to Whittier it seemed like he knew everyone! Adriné would tell him, “You’re like a movie star Baba.” Everyone knows you. He knew your name, siblings’ names and things he had talked to you about. Everyone knew where he lived and we had no privacy. This is why we moved. Just kidding. He got to know his students and their families, and several of you like Ivan became his good friends. He was more than happy to go to birthdays, graduations, sports games, communions and weddings. We had to create a separate budget fund for this. There was always room for one more chair at the table for Sergio. Any road trip we took included multiple stops at friends’ homes he knew in a variety of cities. He had a great ability to accept people as they are, where they are, and not hold anything against anyone. He forgave easily, but also read people very accurately. When we were getting married, we took a test to see how well we knew each other by answering questions about the other person and also answered questions as the other person would, and what do you think Sergio scored for me? 100% accuracy. He had only known me for for a few months, maybe 10-14 dates. Love is not blind. It loves regardless. In August of 2004, Sergio signed up on E-Harmony because his brother, had told him he was hearing good things about it. Well, in August my friend, Annie gave me a birthday gift, a year of high speed internet if I would sign up on E-Harmony for three months. Hard to pass up. But I got much more than high speed internet. Sergio went fast. But he said he had been single a long time and knew exactly what he wanted. He told his mother and brother he had met his wife after our first date. He repeatedly told me he had no time to waste and even asked me if Armenians marry Mexicans on our first date. What a guy? Straight to the point. He paid for pre-engagement counseling, hoping that might speed things up for me. This is what I had been waiting for. An honest, God fearing man, who respected me, and all women for that matter, and worked hard. Plus, the added bonus of being a happy, uncomplicated man, a teacher, traveler, and so much fun, not to mention good looking. One of his first emails to me said, “I look athletic, but I’m not.’ Yeah! An athletic looking guy who didn’t spend hours in the gym away from his family. We got married within a year, on August 14, 2005 and celebrated our one year anniversary of knowing each other while on our honeymoon in Spain. Sergio’s first list had 500 people on it just for his side for the wedding, and he was feeling bad about leaving some people out. I wanted to save money for the future in order to stay home, but he said, “The kids are going to come. We’re not going anywhere for a while. We better go now.” He was right. Our adorable Adriné was born in 2006 (and again Sergio was the only man in the NICU holding his baby for up to eight hours a day), and long awaited for Nairi came September 20, 2010 three days before Sergio’s birthday. He always told her she was the best birthday gift he’d ever received. Sergio was a faithful man, loving father and husband, who played with his kids first and then looked up the scores for sports games he missed so he could still have conversations about it with the guys. He was in constant dialogue with us daily, lead our family with love, grace, encouragement and patience based on the strengths we each had. He believed in prayer. He prayed on January 6, 2017 and I wrote about it the next day. “... last night, before dinner, Sergio was praying as he often does. We can't understand him, but in the middle of it, he paused, took a deep breath, and slowly said, "Put .......your.....helpin ..........hand......on........us." The girls started giggling out of joy and my eyes filled up with tears. “ Since then, hundreds and hundreds of cards, help and donations from people, I don’t even understand. Complete strangers, to people who knew him 20 years ago, to our friends, neighbors, our church here at Granada (where he volunteered during college actually), other churches, schools, our community in Whittier, and family. How did we get in the Whittier Paper and channel 7 news? I can’t comprehend it. But God has provided for everything, even though he allowed Sergio to be taken. But as he’d always say to us, don’t worry about money, it will all work out. And many of you have told us, “He did the same for me.” or “He would’ve done the same for me.” He was one of those dad’s that read every night, sang a song and had an endless supply of hugs and kisses and the best ideas for birthday parties. He was a great story teller too. He is the most influential man the girls will ever know and I am grateful for that. They have a great foundation and he has set the bar high. He was the biggest blessing ever in my life and the most healing relationship I’ve experienced, beyond what I could have imagined, and so our loss is great, and it feels that way. I can truly say I am grateful I was given the opportunity to love and be loved like that, not perfectly, but sweet and good. His commitment to us gave me the greatest freedom because I felt safe and secure, even if for a short time. He accomplished more, influenced us more, and loved us more in the last 11 1/2 years than some people do in a life time. His legacy for us has become his abounding love for us and others and his faithfulness to God. He told me once that some people love God and so they minister to others. He said he loved people because God loved Him and so he ministered to others. One of the reasons the girls know God well is because of their relationship with Sergio. Regardless of how many times Adriné asked him, “Do you still love God, Baba?” “Are you still a Christian Baba?” after he was diagnosed with brain cancer, after he had two brain surgeries, after his strokes, when he could and couldn’t speak and even when he was dying at the end of his life, his answer was always “Yes.”

You can see the video at the link below. It requires you type in the password which is: Sergio

https://vimeo.com/213943358

Distress, Death and Safety

Posted 04/19/2017 by Taline Perez

April 17, 2017 (Please note this was written Monday morning prior to my father’s passing.) I am up at 4: 35 a.m. because Adriné has been up all night moaning and groaning about stomach pain. She is not sick. It is emotional and yet the night will not sleep in longer waiting for me. The reasons for her distress? She is trying to make sense of the rejection coming from Sergio’s side (we were excluded from Easter this year) and my father is dying. Both of these things change her routine, what is comfortable and familiar to her, what she interprets as stable and unchanging, and yet both are fleeting and conditional unfortunately. I wish family wasn’t so hurtful but they are. And I can’t change a thing. I can only protect my children from further distress and teach them what kind of behavior is not acceptable. I can not make any one want to resolve anything, Christians or not, even though it is very clear in Matthew how to resolve conflict. Everyone is free to make their own choices, even if they claim they are not making a choice. Not making a choice is a choice. Not speaking is a choice. I am just as free to choose, to choose who will surround us and enrich our lives. I choose to live my life by principles not personalities. I try to make choices based on what is wrong and right, not who it is. God is not confusing. He is not manipulative or changing. He does not lie. He is safe and trustworthy. That's my guideline. It’s a great life lesson to learn for Adriné and Nairi sounds just like Sergio as she tries to console her sister. It’s great to hear his words out of her mouth.
My father was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. He did not want to do anything aggressive about it in general, but felt pressure. He is a planner and for the most part had almost everything in place in the event of his death. He had been having back pain for months now, has been anemic for over a year, was having complications from diabetes (but most probably the cancer), coughing up blood for some time, and needed a blood transfusion at the end January. He went in last Wednesday knowing he probably needed another transfusion and had a heart attach in the emergency room. He was put on a ventilator because his Advanced Directive was not with him and I did not take him in. Right now his kidneys are failing, he has a septic infection and his heart is weak. My struggle has been feeling bad for not carrying out what he wanted. My sisters felt differently. However, Saturday, God even worked that out. My uncle, aunt, cousins, siblings, and the doctor were all the hospital at the same time and we were able to have a family meeting before the scheduled one for Monday that really went well. We reached a concensus which was difficult for me to wait for knowing what he wanted, not to have his life prolonged. But hearts and minds don’t move at the same pace often. It was just the right group that day with the right leadership and I am truly grateful for that. The room was filled with different opinions, perspectives and values with no tyranny or fear of punishment, retaliation, or being cut off. This is precious. This doesn’t always happen in families including my extended family, but today it did. And although it is rarely talked about in a forum like this, I’m pretty sure it is more common than not. I will take it as a gift from God. I don’t know if my father will make it through this week, but every person I have spoken to in my family who cares about our well being since Sergio’s death has pretty much said the same thing, “ You’re first responsibility is you and your children, don’t worry about other people right now. They can’t understand. No one knows what you know.” I love hearing that! Thank you! Thank you to my new friend who encouraged me to keep writing Sunday morning. I’ve been so tired in every way and was thinking of stopping. (The parts in parenthesis are me saying it. It's not written that way in the bible.) “If a fellow believer (or anyone for that matter) hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church (mediator or counselor perhaps). If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance (regret or remorse), and offer again God’s forgiving love. " Matthew 18:15-17, The Message "The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou savest me from violence." 2 Samuel 22:3 King James Version "But as for me, I will sing each morning about your power and mercy. For you have been my high tower of refuge, a place of safety in the day of my distress." Psalm 59:16 My dad, Ohannes Artine Abrahamian, passed away Monday 2:20 p.m. Funeral Services are Thursday April 26, 2017 at Mountain View Cemetery in Altadena at 10:30 a.m.

Sergio's Memorial Service

You are invited to remember Sergio at his memorial service scheduled for Sunday April 23, at 2:30 pm. Location is Granada Heights Friends Church, 11818 La Mirada Blvd. La Mirada.
To contribute towards this day's events you can sign up to bring food for his reception here: http://www.PerfectPotluck.com/meals.php?t=JSCP3312

Thank you,

Mina for Taline

Funeral Day

Posted 03/29/2017 by Taline Perez
March 25, 2017

In this time of loss,  I find myself reminding me of who I am. I am Taline.  I am 46 years old. I am  a mother, a sister, cousin and a friend. I am an immigrant.  I am an American-Armenian. Sometimes I am just Armenian or Armenian-American.  I married a Mexican, but I fell in love with Sergio. I am a teacher, a traveler, and a lover of truth and justice. But above all that, I am a follower of Christ like Sergio was. This is what drives me.
Today I buried my husband. 

Today I am  just a widow and I feel like a widow (not enough to take off my wedding ring though). I feel unprotected, alone (but not lonely yet), and unfortunate. I feel like my life has shattered into pieces I have to try and figure out how to put back together again. I forget often that God is going to do that for me. Even when it is put back together,  those cracks will always be there in the glass. Maybe after a while the cracks won’t matter or have the same significance they have now. Maybe the pieces will some day look like a beautiful mosaic deliberately cut to just fit right instead of uncontrolled broken shards just laying there that will cut your fingers if you try to pick them up. I know healing often does not look like we think it should. God’s plans seem so different than mine right now. I can’t even begin to comprehend it.
There is friction in families that either submerges or is magnified during funerals. Just today, I feel loved and hated,  supported and attacked, respected and disrespected, included and excluded, accepted and rejected, encouraged and criticized, and in the end I am still loved by the Almighty God who doesn’t care a thing about all the trivial human details of today’s events.  God is enjoying the presence of my husband. Because I am loved by God who takes care of me, thinks I am worthy, is good to me, loving, and kind always, because all I care about is whether God thinks I have taken care of my husband well, because I know the truth,  I am free to lay words and actions by others at God’s feet and let him handle it. Because of all this I am not easily moved by empty words, untruthful accusations, and misdirected blame.  Sergio is good and well and those left behind are forced to grapple with their own issues and grieving loss. I came across one of my favorite sayings from my college group days which our teacher had shared once, “No body cares what you have to say, until they know you care.” The relationship behind any words is much more important than the actual words.
That’s how life is though. Messy. Life includes death and lots of imperfect people. It has not been easy.  Three cultures, family sub cultures, emotions, words, hundreds of people,  finances,  Sergio’s wishes, my children’s well being and requests, and my acceptance of my own desires for what I need for closure. There are so many factors that effect people. It has not been unbelievably hard though either, because I know who I am and where my responsibility lies and my identity is not determined by people. My identity is in Christ first. I know my strengths and weaknesses and that I am forgiven and that grounds me better than anything else could.  
I suppose there are multiple ways to approach disunity: surrender and let whoever dominates take over, engage in senseless combat, or remember who is left at the end of the night in my home (Adriné, Nairi and myself).
It was all worth it when we got in the car to be driven away.  Nairi said, “That was the funnest funeral I have ever been to.”  She’s been to a few.  “That’s what your Baba would have wanted.“ said a friend. Nairi is like Sergio. Fun! He was definitely right about that. She feels loved when she spends time with people having fun. Adriné’s main concern shared by me was having privacy while she said goodbye to the most important influential man in her life with a handful of people around.
The funeral service company we used was very flexible and generous with dealing with Nairi.  She wanted to make sure Sergio was really in the casket, that he was really dead, and that they really buried the body (in case there is a chance God decided to resurrect Sergio and just curiosity about the process). He did resurrect Lazarus after all and both girls questioned me when I said, “No, he’s not coming back.  It’s been days and the body is decaying already.” “But Lazarus was dead for three days and he came back to life?” “True,  but if Baba came back now, he would still have cancer and suffer. It’s time for him to go home so he won’t be in pain.” “But God could heal the cancer too if He wanted.” Adriné replied.
We picked his clothes which took a few days. Nairi wanted him to wear pajamas so he could be comfortable. We finally all agreed to dress him up because he loved to dress up and look his best. He loved to go to formal events and much of the fun was getting dressed. He always blasted dance music and got ready and the girls loved it. He was not a casual Californian in that way at all.
Adriné’s sadness is immense.  She doesn’t show it overtly.  She has been coming up to my side, standing really close, rubbing her arm against mine and whispering, “This is so sad. I am so sad.” for several days now.  We actually went to her award ceremony this morning at school briefly at 8:30.  She was insistent we go because she has been working hard in school like Sergio had asked her to in the beginning of his diagnoses. It felt more like she was honoring him and his wishes then receiving the award. He had told them, “ I want you to do well no matter what. I want you to have a good life even if I die.”
I really do believe that this is possible, but it is only possible in community. It is only possible through people and relationships, blood related or not. It is only possible when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to make our requests be known to God and then people and see who and where He sees it best to provide from. It is only possible when you can take “no” or “not available” for an answer from anyone and move on in love. I don’t know where and when or how exactly Sergio and I learned this, but I hope our children are able to live this way.  God’s family is huge!  It is not based on genealogy and is full of adoptions. We are experiencing the vastness of it right now through friendships, our church, relatives, and all of our communities. The human spirit is an extension of God. It is capable of great things that reflect who God is. Heaven is full of people from all kinds of walks of life (literally), backgrounds, ethnicities, and ages. 
Thank you to my friend who had tons of food (from Bruce’s) prepared for us when we returned home,  and to two more friends (from Granada and life) who had flowers all over the house for us and had made everything beautiful. I am forever grateful for all the emotional, physical, and financial support we have. 

“…37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.…” Romans 8: 37-39                                                                    Berean study bible

“...And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.”
Romans 8:37-39                                                                          New Living Translation

“6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6                                                 New King James Version

Memories to Share

Dear Friends and Family of Sergio:

Yesterday Sergio's earthly shell was laid to rest. I was a server at the family reception and was jolted when I met one of his close friends, Ivan. He kind of resembled Serg, but more than appearance I realized his spirit was similar to Sergio's. He was quiet-ish upon meeting him but kind and engaging. I had to fight to keep my composure. Then I realized all that was good in Sergio, all that is good in Ivan, all that is good in Taline and the girls, all that is good in any of us is the fruit of God's spirit, and experiencing it in one another is wonderful joy. Can you imagine heaven?

There are many of you who experienced some of that sweet fruit in an encounter with Sergio. I am putting together some memories for the memorial and would like to include incidents which cameo his goodness. If you had an experience that greatly affected you,  would be willing to write it here in the comments?
I will go through and use the ones I can for the April 23 memorial, but what I don't use at least will be here for his family to remember him by.
His service is scheduled for Sunday April 23, at 2:30 in the afternoon. Granada Heights Friends Church. 11818 La Mirada Blvd.

In lieu of flowers, a fund has been established for Adrine and Nairi called Girls' Life Events which will cover their special activites like swimming lessons, piano or gymnastics (or who knows what things will interest them in the future) lessons, extra classes at school, field trips, camps etc. Donations to this fund can be made to Taline directly or Taline c/o Parkville Insurance Svcs. PO Box 1275, Whittier CA, 90609-1275, or through Barbara Haney.

Thanks,

Mina Taylor

Sergio

Posted 03/20/2017 by Taline Perez

March 19, 2017

I have two hours today to be alone. It is such an agitating feeling sitting here by myself listening to music and writing, because I am alone, yet I am in desperate need of being alone so I can find my bearings. How does that happen?  How can another person make you not feel lost? We do possess that power. Are we made to be connected that way? Because we become one soul? Because we have the immense ability to carry each other? We can heal each other, stabilize each other, give each other direction, and allow ourselves to anchor in life. And I am not just referring to marriage. I was single for 35 years,  and my family and treasured friends did the same thing. I can feel my body resting and my heart trying to find somewhere to anchor because the person I’ve rested in for 11 years is not here any more. I know this feeling may never go away. It’s not suppose to. But I also know God can heal anything and give me other resting places and people to breathe through life with.
One of Sergio’s best friends who flew out from Korea to see him one last time didn’t make it in time.  Instead he is giving his time to Adriné right now. Nairi, like Sergio, wants to be surrounded by people because she is sad, so she is at church with dear friends and a loving community. 
Sergio passed away Saturday morning at 4:25 a.m. at home in his bed in the middle of our living room where he wanted to be.  We had put his bed smack in the middle of the room because he seemed upset when it was against the wall several days ago. I stayed up most of the night, rested for two hours on the sofa, while listening to his breaths changing from fast to slow and deep to shallow. Even plugging my ears with my fingers amplified the sound of his breathing instead quieting it. He hardly slept in the last few days, trying to whisper intangible words to Adriné, Nairi and myself.  It seemed like he could not see well but locked into my face or sound, not sure which. I wasn’t sure if I would be uncomfortable or settled, but I was good next to my love, rubbing his chest, holding his hand, stroking his head, and finding myself trying to keep connected through some type of physical touch. I told him everything he has meant to me, how proud I am of him, how fortunate I have been because he chose me, singing hymns (because he loved hymns), reading letters we had written to each over the years so he knew that I know what he is trying to say because he has said and written those things freely for years , and telling him he has done well. Time is irrelevant for the influence you can have on people and the love you can give that will last beyond your days. He was still faintly puckering to kiss up to two hours before he died. The last time he couldn’t kiss back was sad, but it was okay.  It was my turn to kiss the man who has lovingly given to us for years. As my friend said, “Oh Taline, he died beautifully. That was so beautiful.” as he took his last few slow, gentle, quiet breathes. Exactly Sergio’s personality. I know those are odd words,  but as a nurse and I myself who have witnessed several transitions,  it is not always like that.  I am so grateful for that for the girls. 
It is really easy to romanticize what I just wrote.  But I am not a romantic. I am a realist who loves words, affection and relationships. I would much rather live out my life than imagine it. In fact my last words with tears were, “You tell God I am mad at Him. I am not happy about this at all. I am not okay with this. Bye Babe. Say hi to my mom and Christina. See you soon.”  

I woke up the girls a few minutes after I said goodbye. They cried and ran to him, Adriné said goodbye with a hug and tears telling him, “I love you Baba.”  Nairi kissed him on the head and said, “Bye Baba. I love you.” She told my friend today that she touched his hand and it was cold, then touched his cheek and it was squishy, so she decided to kiss him on the forehead.  Adriné wanted a picture which I don’t know if she will ever look at or will be deleted soon. His parents came soon after and said their goodbyes as hymns played in the background. 
It’s an interesting transition when your eyes start seeing what is really there.  A body, that is not occupied by the person you love. There is something freeing about that.  How can that energy, “life”, spirit, soul, what ever you want to call it just disappear? It doesn’t.  Energy changes form.  We also know there are many dimensions outside of the ones we can see with our eyes.  We teach this in school from kindergarten on, yet have a hard time accepting it when it applies to real life. Sergio has looked the same to me for seven months and one day.  People would say, “ He’s loosing weight.”, “He looks good.”, or “He doesn’t look well today.” I couldn’t see it and I would say, “No he hasn’t lost weight.” Love is blind through sickness and in health. People are much more than their bodies. We are intricately and beautifully made by our Creator and we can return to our Creator as Sergio did. He is probably in charge of planning parties and get-togethers. We love him and the reality of it has not sunk in yet.  It just all feels unreal and a little numb.