Posted 06/10/2017 by Taline Perez
April 25 - May 27
“ Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. “ Isaiah 41:10
It’s been difficult to sit and write because my thoughts are choppy and scattered. Knowing I am not exactly myself right now, my confidence in self editing is not as strong as usual.
My daily goal is to do well in that day. I have no other goals right now, but lots to think about and tons of paperwork to do again. But this time it’s not just for my family. I have my dad’s dealings to take care of as well. So, my writing is all over the place, loosely stitched together, written over about a month’s time.
Thank you to all of you who are continuing to ask, pray, support, and encourage us! The lack of support from both sides of the family and drama doesn’t help. I’m pretty sure it’s not uncommon nor is it surprising for me considering how the relationships have always been in the past. Sergio also spoke to me a lot about the future relationally between his biopsy and strokes and so far everything he said has been accurate. That astonishes me! I am so thankful for that gift and all the “freedom of permission” he gave me. I will miss his insight on people tremendously. I try my best to protect my children from the drama, dysfunction, however you want to phrase it, and I’d rather be hit with the brunt of it than them, but I can’t protect them from all of it unfortunately. They still feel the effects of peoples’ choices.
April 23, 2017
Sergio’s memorial was yesterday. It was a beautiful tribute for him. The girls loved it. Adriné said she thought she would be feeling very sad but she felt happy that day. I was so encouraged by all the people who came (nearly 500 I suppose) and everyone who talked to me. A counselor from Camp hammer drove out from Arizona and shared stories about Sergio. He told me how Sergio would go visit a kid with health problems on his free night out. Something he wasn’t expecting when he finally got a chance to hang out with the “cool” counselor. That’s my honey. Javier C. came and and it was great to meet the man behind the words in the memorial pamphlet. So many parents, teachers, friends and a few family members! It was sad to have to explain to my children why only a few members from his dad’s side were there, that this is how his family wanted it, separate memorials.
I am so grateful for all the help from our church and quite impressed with what a little powerhouse they are. None of it would have happened without all the help, support and encouragement from so many people in our lives.
We were so blessed. It was a good closure for the death of Sergio’s body. I don’t mean that in a minimizing way because I loved that body and the person in it!!!! It was a great surge of uplifting energy that would carry us for the painful weeks to come. Sadness, depression, exhaustion, weariness, time to think and feel it all have all set in since then as our lives are NOT going back to anything we knew and loved. On top of all that, we are trying to interpret everything that has happened with Sergio’s death and then his family and now my family as well and the stress my dad’s death has caused.
I’m not big on trying to force things to happen relationally or otherwise. My faith is greater than that. I trust God knows what he is doing. God gives and He takes away. I am not that insistent about who should and shouldn’t be in my life. If people don’t want to be, that’s fine. If people do, I am very grateful for it. He puts people in our lives and he takes them out. So be it. Whatever needs to happen, needs to happen. Wherever we are is where we need to be. Let the cards fall where they must.
We are sad, lost, without structure, without routine, re-evaluating much about life and waiting and watching to see the true colors of people around us. For the girls it’s been mostly trying to sort out and understand what “family” really means as well as trying to make sense of people who say they are “Christians” (and unfortunately in our families the louder they are, the worst they behave) but do not act like it (on both sides), and people who have been wonderful to us who are not Christians. I’m just being real. This is real life. It’s not a dilemma for me, but it’s an eye opener for the girls, mostly Adriné, who’s learning to discern people. It’s a complicated matter and a great life lesson to learn early. In the end it will make her stronger and know who she is and why as well as learning who to trust and not trust. Most people have already shown who they really are during these past really difficult months. It’s more of a matter of us being willing to accept what we see and what God graciously shows us for our own good, maybe temporarily or maybe permanently. I do have to say, there have been many many more people fortunately who live out their lives according to their beliefs. This is such a huge relief for me because I know an experience like that can affect someone deeply and I don’t want my children to confuse people with God.
Nairi puts Sergio’s clothes on the chair sometimes where he used to sit. It’s comforting to her. Today she set a place for him with her pretend toy food in it and said she knows he’s not there, she’s just imagining he is. Often she just pretends Sergio is still alive, completely aware she is pretending. She has been encouraging Adriné to try it. She’s been really stressed out about Father’s Day coming up, crying all last week at pick up from school saying she doesn’t know why she has to learn songs and make stuff for a dad when she doesn’t have one. So we made a plan for Father’s Day, called up our friend who first called us to say he would be more than happy to be there for the girls, lovingly accepted the invite for school and we’re good to go. Of course we are also celebrating Father’s Day for Sergio.
Adriné is my reader and has been reading books about kids with a loss of a parent. She actually said today that she prefers to grieve privately but is liking hugs more and more. I was so happy she knew that about herself and could verbalize it.
Both girls are completely testing all the rules we had established in our home. They think the rules have changed and they have not! Do they not know me? I’m sure it’s a phase, but uh!!!! On top of everything else and exhaustion...but they are tired too and going through lots of firsts without Sergio and me trying to fill in but not like he use to do, of course. Lots of disappointment for them as they tell me weekly at least but very carefully, “ Thanks mama, no offense but, I wish Baba was here. He did it ( different, this way, that way, etc.).” There’s lots of things daddy’s do best I will never be able to fill. It doesn’t bother me. Lots of crying and sudden outbursts of tears daily for all of us.
Since Sergio’s memorial, we have been able to attend two occasions at Laurel where Sergio was honored. Sergio was given the Golden Oaks Award which I accepted on his behalf. It’s an honorary award given sparingly. He would have been proud. I only wish he had received it when he was alive.
The second event was a dedication of a “Buddy Bench” in his honor at Laurel Elementary school. So perfect!! It is a metal blue bench which has “Buddy Bench- In loving memory of Mr. Perez” engraved in it. I loved the idea!!! If you need a buddy, are waiting for your buddy, you sit on it. I know often people plant trees but Sergio did not enjoy yard work at all, and he was a good friend to many so I couldn’t think of anything better. The girls and I were thrilled. Who’s idea was it? Thank you!
I had to go through Sergio’s classroom and it was so hard to do. It started an avalanche of emotions for me that hasn’t stopped. I can’t even open his side of the closet without falling apart and so I don’t. The end of so many things for me. So many experiences and memories we will not be allowed to have any more. I found so many notes, photographs, and artifacts I had made for him while we dated and throughout our our marriage along with items the girls had made for him. He’d always been a family man, but it was comforting to see that he surrounded his day and space with his family this way.
I would love to stop there but my life is just not that simple right now, as I’m sure many lives are not.
As the days have passed and gossip about who didn’t come and why...so much nonsense and pettiness it’s unbelievable. I close my ears to it and have no desire or energy to deal with any of it or anyone like that. The only comforting part is that God knows how families can be and he is constantly filling in those gaps for us.
People think love is complicated. It’s not that complicated because love looks like love in actions and words, nothing else. The words and actions match. The lack of love shows decisions based on basic selfishness and entitlement. If someone’s heart can not be softened in a situation at a time like this, what situation would cause that? Probably nothing. I have been astonished at the inability people have to think beyond themselves, even just a little. Even when Sergio was alive but ill, it was not very difficult to see who entered our lives to give, be there, support and who came for themselves. And it really is that simple...actions speak louder than words when they don’t match.
Tonight I am heart broken. We are miserable without Sergio. It's not always like that. Some people are relieved when an abusive, alcoholic or drug abuser spouse dies. Some people feel free when their spouse who is a tyrant and their oppressive relationship ends. Some people might even be a little happy when their obligation to an overly dependent, or lazy spouse is over. There’s lots of other scenarios.
But I am heartbroken because Sergio was a good guy. We miss him every day. His absence is profound and his involvement and help in our lives is felt often through out each day. It almost feels like God is taunting me, even though I know He is not. But it feels like it. I think most of us might feel like that at some point in our lives for something we don't like or wouldn't have done like God did. Take out the nice guy and leave us with what exactly? I am angry and hurt, even though I know this is life. This is how it goes. I will even die some day. There are no guarantees for anything.
I feel the need to build a high wall a brick at a time right now. The interior is reserved only for people who bring goodness into our lives as we mourn, try to heal and get ourselves together so we can endure the rest of our lives well.
“ It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die, and it is a good thing to think about it while there is still time. Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. Yes, a wise man thinks much of death, while the fool thinks only of having a good time now.” Ecclesiastes 7:2-4
“The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” Ecclesiastes 7:4
“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
